THE GANGSTA LEAN

FOUR YEARS AGO I SAT AT A COLD METAL ALL PURPOSE TABLE IN THE DAYROOM OF THE COUNTY JAIL WITNESSING MY 39TH BIRTHDAY. I STOOD, WRONGLY ACCUSED OF A CRIME WHICH I COULDN’T EVEN IMAGINE, LET ALONE COMMITTING.

I WAS FACED THE POSSIBILITY OF SPENDING THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE IN A JAIL CELL.I HAD COME FACE TO FACE WITH MY WORSE FEAR.

I HAD ALWAYS SAID, I WOULD RATHER WIND UP IN THAT "GANGSTA LEAN" AND HAVE A DEATH SENTENCE AND LOOK FORWARD TO A NEEDLE IN MY ARM THAN WAIT FOR OLD AGE, ILLNESS OR VIOLENCE TO BE THE CURE TO A PRISON SENTENCE. THE BLEAKNESS OF MY FUTURE WAS MADDENING AND THE FACT THAT I WAS BECOMING ANOTHER YEAR OLDER WHILE INCARCERATED WAS BEYOND DEPRESSING.

I FOUGHT BACK TEARS AS I HALFWAY STARED BLANKLY INTO MY PLATE AND PICKED OVER A LUKEWARM BREAKFAST SERVED WITH EVEN MORE TEPID COFFEE. THEN A VOICE SAID “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.” 

I LOOKED UP TO SEE WHO WAS SPEAKING. IT WAS ANOTHER INMATE WHO UP TO THAT MOMENT HADN’T SAID ANOTHER WORD TO ME IN THE WEEK THAT I HAD BEEN LOCKED UP. AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE DIDN’T SAY MUCH TO ANYONE. 

SURPRISED THAT HE WAS NOW TALKING AND THAT HE EVEN KNEW IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY,
I SIMPLY SAID “THANKS.” 
“DON’T TRIP.” HE RESPONDED. “I KNOW IT’S FUCKED UP YOU’RE SPENDING YOUR BIRTHDAY IN HERE BUT AT LEAST YOU GOT TO SEE IT.”
“TRUE.” I SAID, ONLY HALFHEARTEDLY AGREEING WITH HIM. 
“FOR REAL DOGG. I MEAN, I SEE YOU ON THE PHONE WITH YOUR GIRL ALL OF THE TIME AND YOU ALWAYS HAVE VISITS SO I KNOW SOMEONE CARES FOR YOU.”
“YEAH.” I BEGAN. “THAT’S MY WIFE. SHE’S SIX MONTHS PREGNANT.”
“WORD?! DAMN. THAT’S FUCKED UP.” HE SAID SHOCKED. 

OUR CONVERSATION CONTINUED FOR A WHILE AND VERY SOON INTO IT, WE REALIZE THAT WE KNEW ONE ANOTHER FROM A TIME LONG AGO IN MY PAST WHEN I WAS STILL INVOLVED IN SHADY BUSINESS IN THE EASTSIDE DENVER HOUSING PROJECTS ALMOST TWO DECADES PRIOR.
HIS NAME WAS CARLOS MYRICK BUT EVERYONE KNEW HIM AS LIL PONYTAIL OR “PT”. HE WAS IN JAIL FIGHTING HIS OWN "GANGSTA LEAN"; A CASE AGAINST HIM TRYING TO MAKE HIM A HABITUAL OFFENDER AND POSSIBLY GIVE UP TO LIFE IN PRISON FOR SELLING DRUGS.

AS WE TALKED, HE REMINDED ME OF MUTUAL FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES WHO HADN’T BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO MAKE IT TO SEE 39, THE AGE I WAS TURNING THAT DAY. ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WAS THE OG (ORIGINAL GANGSTA) FOR WHICH HE WAS NAMED WHO WAS KILLED JUST DAYS AFTER GETTING OUT OF PRISON SOME 20 YEARS AGO. AND HIS BROTHER, MICHAEL, WHO WAS KILLED IN A CAR ACCIDENT AROUND THE SAME TIME.

“PT” HELPED ME REGAIN MY FOCUS ON WHAT WAS IMPORTANT AND WHAT MATTERED, ALL THE THINGS I STILL HAD IN MY LIFE FOR WHICH I COULD AND SHOULD BE GRATEFUL. FROM THAT DAY ON, WE HUNG OUT, TALKED ABOUT OLD TIMES AND WATCHED HOW RECKLESS AND LOST THE NEW GENERATION OF GANGSTAS WERE AS THEY LITERALLY PLAYED AROUND THE JAIL DAYROOM LIKE THE IMMATURE ADOLESCENTS THEY WERE. THEY HAD NO DIRECTION BECAUSE THEY HAD NEVER HAD ANY GUIDANCE FROM A REAL “OG”.
NO ONE HAD TAUGHT THEM HOW TO REALLY BECOME MEN WITH VALUES FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE GANG THEY SUPPOSEDLY CLAIMED -- NOT EVEN THEMSELVES. 

IT WAS THEN THAT I DECIDED THAT, IF THIS JOURNEY WHICH I HAD FOUND MYSELF UPON WAS MY DESTINY, I WOULD MAKE IT MY PURPOSE TO BE THE OG WHICH THESE YOUNG MEN NEVER HAD. IT WAS UP TO ME TO HELP THEM UNDERSTAND THE POWER THEY HAD OVER THEIR OWN LIVES THROUGH THE GOALS THEY SET AND THE DECISIONS THEY MADE. IT WAS UP TO ME TO LEAD THEM BY BEING AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT IS POSSIBLE IF YOU EMBRACE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AS A BLACK MAN AND NOT RUN FROM IT FOR FEAR OF WHAT IS EXPECTED OF YOU. 

LUCKILY, I WAS ABLE TO BOND OUT A LITTLE OVER A MONTH LATER AND FOUGHT MY CASE AND THE CORRUPT JUSTICE SYSTEM FROM THE OUTSIDE. I WAS ALSO ABLE TO START BE BETTER THAN AVERAGE.

I OFFICIALLY LAUNCHED MY COMPANY ON JANUARY 11, 2014 BY HONORING MY GRANDMOTHER, FATHER, AND OTHERS WHO HELP SET THE STAGE FOR THE PERSON I HAVE BECOME AND STILL INTEND TO EVOLVE INTO BEING. 

MANY TIMES WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT MY MOTIVATION IS FOR STARTING MY COMPANY AND DOING THE WORK I DO AND I TELL THEM IT IS MY OBLIGATION AS ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO HELPED FURTHER THE NEGATIVE IDEAL OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A YOUNG BLACK MALE, TO NOW INSPIRE, ENCOURAGE, ADVISE AND BRING ACCOUNTABILITY TO THE YOUNG MEN WHO ARE GROWING UP IN THE SHADOW OF HOPELESSNESS I HELPED CREATE.

SADLY, CARLOS “LIL PONYTAIL” MYRICK PASSED AWAY IN PRISON LAST YEAR. HE NOT ONLY HAD LOST HIS CASE BUT ALSO HIS FIGHT WITH COLON CANCER.
I WONDER IF HE KNEW BACK THEN HOW PRECIOUS LIFE WAS BECAUSE HE KNEW HOW LIMITED HIS TIME ON EARTH WAS?
I WONDER IF HE WAS THANKFUL FOR THE RELEASE FROM HIS PRISON SENTENCE THAT HIS DISEASE PROVIDED?
I WONDER IF HE KNOWS HOW MUCH OF AN INSPIRATION HE WAS TO ME AND HOW GRATEFUL I AM NOW TO BE ABLE TO SHARE HIS STORY ON MY BIRTHDAY FOUR YEARS LATER. 

​REST IN PEACE YOUNG HOMIE. SEE YOU WHEN I GET THERE. ​

---